Friday, August 6, 2010

Dodging a Bullet - Sorry long post

When I was 21 years old I married my first Husband. We met when I was 18; he was 5 years older than me and we worked together at a food service warehouse. I was young and Naive and thought I was in love and could 'fix' him. Little did I know the depth of his problems. It all started a little after we got engaged, he would say something mean or drink a little too much and get angry and break a glass, I always just thought that he was 'getting cold feet' and that it would pass after the wedding. Just before we were to send out the Wedding invitations we went looking for a place to have our rehearsal dinner when what should have been my sign to get out happened. We were at dinner and for little to no reason he yelled at me to 'shut the fuck up' at the table in front of my parents and his dad and step mom. I had second thoughts at that time, but again gave him the benefit of the doubt and chalked it up to pre-wedding jitters. We had a large and beautiful wedding in September 2001.
Within a few months the problems got worse. I was being accused of cheating constantly and every time I left the house I was called several times to find out my whereabouts. At some point in one of his fits of rage he flipped the couch over. In April 2002 I was getting ready for work and was putting my hair up in a pony tail when he came into the bathroom and demanded to know who I was getting all dressed up for. I told him he was being ridiculous and he backed me up against the bathroom wall, took off his shirt and punched a hole in the wall by my head. This was when I decided it was time to get out. I had been going to therapy for a few weeks (alone as he had refused to go with me) and had been trying to figure out if I wanted to stay or not. At my next appointment I told my therapist that I wanted to leave. I was going on a trip to see my Mom in Las Vegas in May and I was thinking I would go and when I returned to California I would not go home.
Within a few hours of landing in Vegas I got a phone call from him demanding that I come home because he found a letter from an ex in my dresser and he knew I was cheating on him and that I needed to come home now. I asked if he read the letter. He said yes and I said that he then knew that the letter was over a year old and was only asking if I had a piece of lost property. I told him that he had nothing to worry about. He insisted that I come home. When I told him I would not and that when I came home I was leaving him he said that he was going to kill himself. I was gone for 5 days and received at least 100 phone calls from him and his family, but I had made up my mind. When I returned I ended up having to get a restraining order and filed for divorce immediately. My divorce was finalized January 2003.
I have friends that I keep in touch with who also keep in touch with him and have let me know when he has needed to talk to me (I had co-signed on a truck for him a few months before I left). I have talked to him maybe 3 times since our divorce and he apologized at one point for what he did to me. He remarried 2 years ago and had a son with his new wife last year.
I heard from my friend yesterday some very upsetting news. She told me that he has lost the house that I helped him buy, lost his boat, truck, job, wife and custody of his child; and has to go to jail for domestic violence. Apparently he is now addicted to Meth.
I can not help but feel blessed that I got out when I did. We would have been married for 9 years this year and I am sure that if I would have stayed with him we would have a few kids by now. I probably would have never gone to nursing school and would still be living in Stockton. There is no way to know how the story would have gone, but I am pretty sure at some point he would have hit me or if we had them our kids some day.
Some times I try to forget the pain I went through, but when it comes down to it, I am grateful for the experience because it has made me a stronger person.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

No Experience

I have been looking for a new job for a couple of months now. It's not that I am completely dissatified with my current job, I would just like a new opportunity and to challenge myself with learning something new. I have applied for several jobs at different hospitals. All of these jobs are on units that provide a higher level of care than I have experience giving. I am very honest on my resume and on my application that I do not have the experience and that I am ready to learn. However two times now I have been called (once for an in person interview and the other for a phone screening) and when they ask me about my experience, the are very taken aback about the fact that I don't have experience in the job they are hiring for and become very stand-offish and basically cut the interview short. I find it very frustrating that no one wants to teach any one anything anymore. How do people expect you to have experience if they don't give you the opportunity to obtain experience?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


I have been having quite a few morbid thoughts lately. I think it is mostly because I have been thinking a lot about what would happen to Hunter if Jake and I died. I have never had to worry about this kind of thing before. It seems like more of a reality since my Uncle passed away last September. He was only 56 years old; he got sick suddenly and died within a year. It really made me realize that anything can happen and that we really need to plan for the unexpected.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Getting my body back

Now that I have been cleared to do exercise by my OB, I would really like to try to get my body back. I am about 19 pounds heavier than I was at 8 weeks pregnant. I am pretty happy about that seeing that at 40 weeks pregnant I was 215 pounds. I am not sure what I am going to do about exercise yet, I am thinking I am probably going to walk first since I can do that with Hunter. The problem is that I really don't want to 'diet'. I have gotten in trouble with dieting before where I become obsessed with calories or points or whatever the diet makes you watch and it becomes a vicious cycle where I make myself feel bad because I have 'failed'. Jake has decided to do Weight Watchers again since it works for him. I know that I cannot do it again so am going to just try to eat healthy and make Weight Watchers dinners and see how it goes. Since I don't weigh myself anymore, we will just have to go by how my clothes fit.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

VEGAS (with a) BABY!!

So Hunter and I went to Vegas to visit my Mom, my sister Lindsey and my brother Jerrod. It was great to spend time with my family and for my mom and sister to finally get to know Hunter. We didn't do anything exciting, just relaxed and rested. It was nice to get away. The best part was that Hunter is a great traveller. On the flight there, he slept the whole way and on the way home he was awake but cooing and smiling the whole time. This makes me hopeful that we can have many successful vacations in the future.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

My "New" Life

So I have officially been a Mommy for just about 5 weeks. It is very different from what I thought it would be. I never thought I could be a Mom, let alone enjoy it. It has been very demanding at times with getting up multiple times in the middle of the nite to feed and to soothe a screaming little person who cannot tell you why they are upset. Or delaying my own needs, like eating and showering because he needs something from me more. But it is so rewarding when that same little person is wide awake and looks you in the eyes, or when you look at them and realize "I made you". I never thought I would catch myself saying this, but I am going to be really sad when I have to go back to work. I really don't want to miss one little milestone.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Big Day

I know this happened a while ago but I have been a little busy!!

Hunter Thomas Lile was born to Heather and Jacob Lile on December 16
at 11:39 pm. He was 8lbs 8oz and was 20.5 inches long.

I was induced on 12/15 at 9:30pm since I was over due. They started
by giving me cytotec behind my cervix overnite to help it dilate (I
went in at 1-2 cm and 50% effaced). I started having frequent
contractions, but I didn't really feel them all nite. At 10am on
12/16 my OB came in and broke my water. Within about 30 minutes I
started having contractions that I could feel. I spent the next 7
hours breathing, walking, rocking and sitting on a birthing ball to
get thru the contractions. I was having severe back labor because my
little man was face up and chin up. After 7 hours of labor I had only
progressed to 4cm and my baby was still high. I was not handling the
contractions well anymore as I was exhausted. My RN (who was gung-ho
natural birth) advised me to try a little fentanyl to see if it would
take the edge off. I was very hesitant because as you all may
remember, I very much wanted a natural birth. It did but only for
about 15 minutes. It was at this point that my RN advised me to get
an epidural. She said that since I was making little to no progress
that getting the epidural may prevent me from getting a c-section. I
really didn't want an epidural but I wanted a c-section even less.
The anesthesiologist came in and put the epidural in in about 5
minutes and within 10 minutes I felt better and could relax. About an
hour and a half later, the nite shift RN came in and was looking at
the monitor and said that my baby's heart beat kept going down, I was
also feeling a lot of pressure. She got the anesthesiologist to give
me a bolus on my epidural and she decided to check me, at that point
they saw that I was 9.5 cm dilated and almost ready to push. I
started pushing within the next 45 minutes or so but it was difficult
since I was very numb. I pushed for about an hour when my OB came
in. She said that the baby was still pretty high and with his
presentation he may be very difficult to push out and that I would
probably need a c-section. I told her that I was not tired and to let
me keep pushing a little longer. My Mom and Hubby tell me that she
said she would give me 20 more minutes. So I started pushing like
there was no tomorrow and within about 30 minutes or so I could see
the top of my baby's head. My RN was very surprised I was able to get
him down that far. My OB came in to deliver me and I don't remember
much as I was in excruciating pain since my epidural had worn off and
because of how my baby was presenting. All I remember is that I was
getting very nauseated with every push and was very concerned about
pushing out more than a baby :). I also remember feeling like I had
very little control over what my body was doing. Towards the end my
OB tried to use the vacuum but it wouldn't go on my baby's head, but
in the next moment, I was somehow able to push my baby out. I found
out later from my RN that I was moments away from being whisked off to
the OR. My OB also told me that she could not believe that I was able
to get my baby out on my own.
Unfortunately our adventure did not end there. Since little Hunter at
8lbs 8oz was considered large for gestational age they had to check
his blood sugars. His blood sugar an hour after birth was only 40
(low normal is 45). The RN had me give him some formula and then let
me breast feed him for 10 minutes. His blood sugar was still only 41
so he had to go to the nursery to be given more formula and to be
monitored for about 90minutes. He was brought back to me for about an
hour and when they checked him again he was still low so he had to go
back to the nursery again for 3 hours we got him back one more time but
within an hour it was found that his sugars were low again. To make a
long story short, our little guy stayed in the Special Care Nursery
for 4 days. He was on an IV of glucose and his sugars were checked
every three hours. I got discharged without him, which was one of the
hardest things I have ever done. After an additional 36 hours of
monitoring off of the glucose drip and me proving that I could provide
plenty of breast milk and with strict instructions to feed him every 3
hours we finally got to bring our baby home on Sunday 12/21 at 5pm.
These first few days have been interesting because we didn't get to
care for our baby until he came home. He is mild mannered and lets
us know when he is hungry and eats like a champ.
We were very lucky to be cared for by excellent nurses and doctors at
both Sequoia Hospital and at the Lucille Packard Satellite Nursery
there. My husband and I have decided that if we have another child,
we will travel any distance to be cared for there again.